etcetera

your languages baffle me your prejudices defeat all attempts at normalcy your laughter feeds my impatience your prescence my envy wish i a thousand curses upon you who doesnt let me be wish i a million snakes in your food (laugh if you will) wish i you torment outside of your space your pettyness your obsessions with frivolity wish i you all that i am putting myself through except this is a kiln and i hope thats a microwave

step back. step back i remind myself. hovering ever too close

how incredible and impossible it seems to step away when one is so inextricably attached

oh how i hide - just beneath the surface. just infront of a smile. almost next to a frown. in peals of laughter. and work.

oh but i am plagued
by silence
and fear
and emotion
in abundance, more than i care for really
and i no longer talk
because i no longer listen
and i'm plagued
by what ifs
and past jealousies and
recent ones
and ashamed of them too

how will i deal with this, just how?
when will i get past it
and above it
and not touch
delicate drops of dew that are best left on a leaf

you cant control your feelings someone told me, but you can control how you react to them.
why should that control come so tough?

no you wouldnt feel this way.
because you are not a child
you are not me.
i'm insane.
and i'm not, at the peril of sounding extremely jealous. i'm not little one

am i scared? as hell, my dear as bloody damned hell.
am i unsure? yes yes i am. where will we get the money? how can we get you everything you want? how can we get me everything i want? how can we get us everything we need?
am i crazy? yes. i hate not knowing how tomorrow will be. will we have a roof on our heads? will be be able to pay off credit card bills? will we get this and have that?
do i know what i will do? no

selling faith anyone?

glint, orange night
hardly day
receding shadows line the way

moving pictures
sitting still
now so new
now, run-of-the-mill

slowly turning,
giant blade
chop the air
watch the night fade

then a picture
in the window
a silent nagging
the car's now slow.

its time to break out of the feeling.
time to feel out of the breaking.

har gam har ek aasoon hamey
apna banana aa gaya
har hal mein hal daur mein
hamey muskurana aaa gaya

how and will it
questions plague
answers, bleh, none

i'd die.
a thousand deaths
of a minor melody
and seething pain
if i had to do this again